Here we are now.
I’m learning to forgive myself when despite knowing it’s what I need, I hate myself for ‘giving up’. Enduring more pain and forgoing present happiness for what might be in the future is not an option for me physically or emotionally.
It’s the bravest and hardest decision I’ve ever made.
To end, I want to give a few shoutouts.
To Lauren.
Lauren is a mutual friend who I connected with about 18 months ago. She has become my lifeline. Lauren was on her third round of IVF when I was on my first. We’ve endured the daily struggles of infertility together. I cried happy tears when Lauren and her husband fell pregnant through IVF and saw a little heartbeat on the screen, and my heart broke for them when that little baby didn’t make it and I witnessed her heart shatter. Without Lauren to text countless times a day, and for words to come back on a screen that make me feel understood and loved, I’m not sure where I’d be.
Should we just steal these random babies and be done with it?
To women.
To the women with bandaids on their inner elbows under their work shirts. To the women clutching their phones waiting for a call from the clinic. To the women laying on the ultrasound table when they can’t find the heartbeat. To the women miscarrying. To all these women, who carry with them the pain and indignity, everyday, but get the job done anyway. I am a big believer in soldiering on and not letting your personal life affect your work life. To the women who just keep going.
To Rich.
In my wedding speech I said ‘you are made of good.’ This has been proven tenfold in the years since our vows. Never have I known someone so truly kind and calmly decent, let alone be lucky enough to be loved by them. Thank you.